


Dafuq

by whereismypie



Category: Doctor Who, Office Spiders
Genre: AU, Adipose, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Parody, movie script, office spiders - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 20:44:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1361137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whereismypie/pseuds/whereismypie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Puhbert Adipose (Kevin James) and his wife Toffife (Julia Roberts) live a more or less happy live until Harald (Martin Freeman) and his creature Gogl (Benedict Cumberbatch) try to ruin it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dafuq

**Author's Note:**

> ATTENTION:  
> This is just a joke! Don't take it seriously!  
> We do not want to impugn anybody of the named actors/actresses/stars in this story or criticize anybody's idols, favorite actors/actresses etc.  
> This was created out of boredom. We do not want anything from this story happen in reality in any way.  
> Thanks for your attention.  
> Have fun.
> 
> Thanks to http://jewel-and-sherlock.tumblr.com/ this is also her work.

The cage for husbandry of wage slaves – also known as "the office" – is an island on which everyone battles for his own existence. It is not unusual that also individuals come to grief as well. To be precise, it is the rule.  
Every family gets a room in which they live, sleep and eat.  
This is the story of Puhbert Adipose, his wife Tofifee – the friendly office spider – and their children Maars, Sniggers and Poffifee and of their arch-enemies Horst-Hubert, Harald, Heide-Marie and Hildegard.

Cage for husbandry of wage slaves. Inside. We can see Tofifee, the friendly office spider, her husband Puhbert Adipose and their children Sniggers, Maars and Poffifee. Sniggers leans back on his chair, his feet on the cobweb, Maars sniffs glue, Poffifee sits in an edge, annoyed, and listens to music. Puhbert and Tofifee sit there, staring at each other without saying a word.

Sniggers: Maaaan, I'm bored. Bored. Boooooored! Yo Maars, you fucker, gimme some of ya glue!  
Maars: No! That's my shit, get ya own stuff!  
Sniggers: But I wanna sniff ya shit!

Sniggers bumps into Mars so that he drops his glue.

Maars: You're such a jerk. I hate you!

When Maars trys to bend down for his glue he gets caught by his own twine. Sniggers laughs.

Maars: Help. HELP!  
Tofifee: Stop yelling. Sniggers, help your brother.  
Sniggers: YOU can't tell me what to do, bitch!  
Tofifee: Puhbert, do something!

Puhbert stares at his family and gets up.

Puhbert: I hate this. I hate it all, this planet, everything! My home planet was much better than this one!

He turns around and leaves the room. Tofifee crosses her six arms and shooks her head.

Still the cage for husbandry of wage slaves, another room. Puhbert curses and complains about his life when Heide-Marie steps into the room. Puhbert flashes viciously at her. Heide-Marie is the daughter of his arch-enemy Harald. He and his family are known as the evil office spiders.

Heide-Marie: Hello, Puhbert.

Puhbert squinnies. She sounds too sweet, too innocent. Actually, she is evil.

Puhbert: Hello.  
Heide-Marie: Had a bad day?  
Puhbert: Maybe.

He is still suspicious.

Heide-Marie: Family crisis?  
Puhbert: Kinda.  
Heide-Marie: Maybe I can help you.  
Puhbert: How?  
Heide-Marie: I know how to make a man happy.  
Puhbert: I'm married.  
Heide-Marie: I know how to make a married man happy.

Puhbert rises an eyebrow and looks at her. He smiles a little. In the background plays "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins.

Another room. We see Harald, next to him his creature Gogl which tries to snuggle Harald but he repels it. His wife Hildegard and their son Horst-Hubert hang in their webs. Horst-Hubert tries to speak to his mother, but she does not understand him.

Harald: I fucking hope that our very evil plan will work. If Heide-Marie fucks it up, I'm gonna fucking kill her!  
Hildegard: But she's your daughter and she already had proved that she's truely evil. Remember? 

Flashback. In a dark and wet hole Harald and Heide-Marie stare at Justin Bieber. He is chained to a chair and gagged. (So you know: Every year on Canadian Thanksgiving, they perform a ritual to purge themselves of their rudeness, Bieber absorbs it all. He was never meant to escape. They are sorry.)

Harald: You see this little shit?

Heide-Marie nods.

Harald: I want you to kill him.

Heide-Marie stares at him, shocked.

Heide-Marie: But father –  
Harald: I said you should kill him. You have to prove that you're just as evil as I am. 

Heide-Marie shooks her head.

Heide-Marie: But he hasn't done anything bad.  
Harald: You have no idea … Now kill him!

He points at a metallic table nearby. On the table lay a gun, arrow and bow, knifes in different sizes and a scoop of ice cream-maker.

Harald: You have free choice. If you want to, you can torture him a bit.

Heide-Marie frowned.

Heide-Marie: What is the scoop of icecream-maker for?

Harald grins maliciously.

Harald: You can remove his eyes with it.

When Justin Bieber hears that, his eyes open widely and he struggles against his ankles. Heide-Marie has doubts whether to laugh or to cry.

Heide-Marie: But what has he done?

Harald does not reply, he walks straight up to Justin Bieber and removes his gag. The little rat immediately starts to speak. 

Justin: I can do whatever I want to because I'm famous. Wenn you're a pregnant teenager keep the child, I am the result of a teenage pregnancy and what would the world be without me? I spit on my fans and vomit on stage. I wish Anne Frank was a Belieber. Rape happens for a reason.

When Heide-Marie hears all that – especially the last thing – she grabs the bow and shoots him. Again and again. Seven arrows later the silence is absolute.  
A moment later Harald turns around to his daughter.  
"Highway to Hell" plays in the background.

Harald: I'm proud of you. I hoped the bastard would suffer a bit more but you've done your job.  
Heide-Marie: He deserved it. Little shit.

Present again. Harald smiles while thinking about Justin Bieber's death.

Harald: I remember. But still! She must not fuck it up.

Another room. Heide-Marie and Puhbert sit next to each other on a web, in front of them is a television. The stretching of the bow is heard, then laughter. Puhbert is the one who laughs and on the TV is playing the death scene of Justin Bieber.

Puhbert: That was incredible! Can we watch it again?

Heide-Marie looks at him and smiles.

Heide-Marie: That was the third time.  
Puhbert: So what?

Heide-Marie nods and plays the movie again.

Heide-Marie: Like I said, I know how to make a married man happy.  
Puhbert: Oh yes you do.

Until the end of the day they watched it about ten times. Something so beautiful never gets boring.  
A few hours later it is already dark and Puhbert returns to his and his family's room. His kids already sleep in their webs, just his wife Tofifee is still awake. She waited for him all the time.  
When she notices Puhbert she sits up. On the one hand, she is happy that he returned, but on the other hand she is angry because he is late.

Tofifee: Where have you been?  
Puhbert: None of your bussines.

He already misses Heide-Marie. It was very funny to spend time with her. She is not like his wife. She always carped at him. Oh, and how much he misses his home planet, Adipose 3! He was the only Adipose who did not go back. He was forgotten. And when the doctor vanished, too, he was on his own. Alone on a foreign planet. His wife never symphathised with him. Pussy.  
Without another word he retires to his own web.

Next morning. Harald prepares for his working day. He works for Ölöphant, a blue elephant. Ölöphant illegally trades ivory from tusks. Harald does not like working for him. Ölöphant is a terrible boss. He forces Harald to be nice to clients and there is nothing worser than that. Destroying Puhbert is not just a big fun for Harald, but also the ticket for the league of the bad boys. But as long as the mission is not finished successfully, Harald has to go to work. Poor Harald.

Harald: See you later.

Hildegard, Horst-Hubert and Heide-Marie say good-bye to Harald who is already annoyed. When he leaves, Hildegard turns around to her daughter. Horst-Hubert just stands there unusefully. He is virtually that special secondary character who does not say anything and is just there. Like scenery. Even if he said anything nobody would understand him. His facial expression is not helpful, he has just two expressions: awake and not awake.

Hildegard: Today we start with part two of our plan. Are you ready?

Heide-Marie nods.

Heide-Marie: No problem.

She also leaves the house.

We are in one of the countless and confusing corridors of the cage for husbandry of wage slaves. Heide-Marie is single-minded: She wants to go to Puhbert. As expected, his whole family is present. Heide-Marie enters the flat as if it was naturally (of course it is not). When Puhbert sees her he starts to smile.

Puhbert: Heide-Maire!  
Heide-Marie: Hello, Puhbert.

His wife is shocked, Maars and Sniggers do not care, they quarrel over the glue to sniff. And Poffifee?  
When she sees Heide-Marie for the first time, she is breathless, everything seems to run in slow motion.  
"In The Air Tonight" plays in the background.  
She has never seen such a beautiful spider before. Eight perfect legs, eight very pretty eyes – and these eyelashes! This spider is the most beautiful creature Poffifee has ever seen.  
Heide-Marie notices the look of Poffifee and looks at her. Everything runs in slow motion for her, too. Poffifee's spider legs and her adipose body fascinate her and she cannot take her eyes off of Poffifee. From this moment forth, both are desperately in love with each other. What makes the whole endeavour more difficult.

Tofifee: What is SHE doing here?

Tofifees reedy and excited voice rouses both Heide-Marie and Poffifee from their trance. Heide-Marie first looks at Puhbert, then at his wife.

Heide-Marie: I'm here to pick up your husband. We have a date.

Poffifee's shocked expression nearly breaks Heide-Marie's heart. To see her darling in this mood is hard to take. She has to leave as fast as possible.

Heide-Marie: Come on, Puhbert.

She turns around to leave the room, but glances a last time at Poffifee. So beautiful. Then she leaves. Puhbert wants to follow her.

Tofifee: When you go now, never come back!  
Puhbert: Darling –  
Tofifee: NO! It's her or me!

The chimes from "Hells Bells" sound in the background.  
Puhbert sighs and leaves. In the background we can hear Tofifee's sobbing. Poffifee stares after her father and the most beautiful creature of this galaxy – Heide-Marie – and follows them.

Poffifee: Wait!

Heide-Marie curses mentally. Why must this beauty follow her? It was impossible to focus in her presence.

Heide-Marie: What do you want?

The question was more harsh than it should be. But to her surprise, Pofiffe does not wince, she comes closer. (Wohoooo!)

Poffifee: I want to join you. My mother and my brothers don't understand me. And if my father goes, I go with him.

Puhbert does not try to argue with her. He knows very good how it feels to be out of place. He also knows how stubborn his daughter can be.  
Heide-Marie looks at him and when he nods, she also does.

Heide-Marie: Okay, fine. I'll take you to my family.

The three of them hit their road to Heide-Marie's home.  
Meanwhile, Harald has returned from work. On his lap sits Gogl. His creature may be a little strange and not the ideal of beauty, but Harald loves him anyway. However, he would never admit it. Never.  
Gogl grins and Harald has to smirk.  
The door opens and Heide-Marie, Puhbert and Poffifee enter the room. Harald is surprised to see Puhbert's daughter, but that only means that his plan works better than expected.

Harald: Look at this!

While Harald says this he pats Gogl's head like a cat's. Inside, he curses though that he does not have a revolving chair – that would have been more dramatically. Next time.

Heide-Marie: Puhbert and Poffifee want to join us. 

That's what Harald wanted to hear. His dream is catchable, he destroyed a family and wrapped his enemy around his finger. If he had a torch he would hold it under his chin and laugh bloodly. For now, a smuggy smirk is enough. Even Gogl on his lap can feel the joy of his master and licks Harald's cheek. Puhbert screws up his face.

Puhbert: Ew.  
Poffifee: Mhm.

Heide-Marie sighs quietly.

Heide-Marie: They are always like that. Daddy says it's only platonic and that they're just flatmates but everyone knows that he's lying.

Poffifee chuckles.

Poffifee: How cute!

Heide-Marie looks at her from the corner of her eyes and smiles. How deeply she wishes they could be a couple! Forever and happily united. Pictures of Poffifee and her on a beach come into her mind. They break into a run to each other with white dresses flapping in the wind, the sun is reflected in the water and the sky is blue and cloudless. Modern Talking's "You're My Heart, You're My Soul" plays. She wishes it was true.  
She sighs again.

Harald does not notice how his daughter stares at Poffifee, he is too busy with caressing and petting Gogl. But Puhbert notices. Sees their glaces, feels the magic. Only now he realizes what he gave away when he left his home. He remembers the time before his children where born, a time when he and Tofifee were happy togethe, so deeply in love with each other that nothing else mattered. He misses his wife.

Puhbert: I've made a mistake.

Harald looks up. He can't believe what he just heard. His plans, his dreams, his future life with Gogl – everything falls apart at this moment. 

Puhbert: Poffifee, my daughter, I know that you feel misunderstood. I felt the same way until I met you mother. Love heals every wound. And I can see how much you love Heide-Maire. You're both made for each other. Go, be happy with her! 

Tears of joy roll down Poffifee's cheeka as she hugs her father tightly. That was what she was waiting for, a sign that it was right and that her feelings were nothing to be ashamed of. 

Poffifee: Thank you.

Heide-Marie turns to her father.

Heide-Marie: I can't do this anymore. I can't and I won't be evil anymore, Daddy. I wanna love and live and be free like a flower on a sunny meadow with butterflies.

She turns to Poffifee, who let go of her father.

Heide-Marie: I love you so much, it sometimes hurts.

Poffifee: Your eyes shine like stars in a dark night sky.

Heide-Marie: God must miss an angel in heaven because you are here now.

Poffifee: There are two thing that are eternal: the universe and my love to you.

A few soppy, clichéd and cheesy declarations of love later, Poffifee and Heide-Marie are hugging each other, laugh, cry and kiss. Never befoe they were so happy.  
Harald watches them all the time and even if they only knew each other for about 20 minutes, he has also the opinion that they are a cute couple. Just like him and Gogl.  
His Gogl.

Harald: Gogl, my creature, I love you.

Gogl raises from Harald's lap, only now you can see how tall he truely is. Tall and – gorgeous. He has two magnificant wings on his back which unfold now for the first time and dark, thick curls for which you would pay good money just to ruffle them once. His cheekbones are sharp, you could cut yourself by slapping this face. One look into his eyes and you think you are drowning, blue, gray and green mix into a colour which is unbelivable and breathtaking. His kissable lips form into a smile, melting away your underwear immediately. 

Gogl: I know.

For the first time you can hear Gogl's voice. And what a voice! So deep and roaring it touches you very deep inside and makes your head spin. You are tempted to close your eyes and just listen to his voice. It does not even matter what he says as long as he keeps talking and never stops. Never.  
Harald is thundersuck for a moment and cannot resist staring at his creature.  
As soon as Harald is able to think clearly again he stands up, walks over to Gogl and kisses him. Kisses him hard and passionately like he never kissed someone else before. Finally, he knows what true love feels like and what it is like to be the happiest being on earth. All thoughts about murder, intrigues and lies are blown away. (Haha, blow.)  
Hildegard steps forward from the background. She sees her husband kissing the creature and is about to start to rant and rave at him when a wrecking ball hits her. On the wrecking ball sits Miley Cyrus, nacked and singing.

Miley: I came in like a wrecking ball!

As fast and suddenly she appears, she disappears again. Hildegard falls to the floor. As she raises her gaze, she looks right into a mirror and starts to cry, not because sheis sad or heartbroken. No. She crys because she is overwhelmed by her own beauty. And so she finally found her true love: herself. Puhbert already left the room, he runs back to his family and his wife to tell her how stupid he was. 

Puhbert: Tofifee, my eight legged godess, please forgive me for being so stupid. I was bilnd and couldn't see how much you mean to me. Heide-Maire was a fault. She has wrapped me around her finger and I allowed her to do so. But I can promise you that she means nothing to me, that nothing happened between us. You, YOU are the most important person in my life und I will do everything for you. Just take me back and forgive me.

Tofifee is touched by Puhberts speach, shes cries. Generally everyone is crying in this stupid moviescript. More than happy she falls into his arms, glad to have him back and native enough to believe every word he said. Idiot.

Tofifee: Of course I forgive you. I love you.

Puhbert: I love you, too.

Sniggers and Maars look at each other, both are holding glue in their hands and you can see some glue drip out of their noses.

Sniggers: Dafuq was that?

Maars: I have no clue. Dude, he was only away for ten minutes.

Sniggers: Freaks. GET A ROOM, FUCKERS!

Maars and Sniggers piss off, one can hear them sniff glue in the background.

A few months later:  
We are at a beach, the sun reflects on the water, the sky is blue, not a single cloud is to see. Poffifee and Heide-Marie wear white dresses, flapping in the wind. They stand across from each other holding hands, behind them is Puhbert in a black suit and a blue tie. A band plays "Can you feel the love tonight?" Idiots. It is not even night.  
It is the wedding of Poffifee and Heide-Marie. The bridesmaids are some women you never heard of before and actually no one has a clue who they are. The same goes for the majority of the guests. Both of their families are there, too. Gogl sits on Harald's lap and they fuss about each other. Hildegard stares into a mirror, telling herself how good she looks. Tofifee looks up to her daughter, proud of who she became, Sniggers and Maars sniff glue like usual and Horst-Hubert tries to talk to others, but of course no one understands him. To be fair, it is really hard to understand what he says.

After the whole ceremony shit (I really wanna save you this because, seriously, that is always the same boring shit) Harald and Gogl walk over to the happy couple. They congratulate them, hug them and stuff like that.

Harald: I have a fucking present for you.

He snaps with his fingers and two giant guys who look like closets carry a chair with a person sitting on it over to Heide-Marie and Poffifee. You cannot see the head of the person because it is covered with a sack. With a dramatic gesture Harald pulls the sack off of his head and you can see it is – Justin Bieber!

Gogl: And you keep saying I'm a Drama-Queen. (Whoa and again this voice, God help me!)

Harald rolls his eyes.

Heide-Marie: But how's that possible? I killed him!

Harald: Yes, but with Gogl as my sexy nurse assistant, I could bring him back to life. Now you and your wife can kill him again. And you can torture him if you want to.

Both women hug Harald and Gogl.

Poffifee: This is the best and most beautiful present ever!

The camara zoomes out and you can hear Justin Bieber scream in pain.

HAPPY END!


End file.
